Hanging

Full moon .... of course the moon is always full, but we know that, don't we?

If you will look closely, you might see the imprint of my fingernails alongside the dark side of the full moon.
Yes, I've been hanging on lately by my fingernails. Hanging on the what I know to be constant: the moon, the sun, the stars - even though many of those I see in the summer night sky have burned out long ago with their light just now getting to my vision.

Life has been ... well, life has been life lately.
I've sold most of my belongings, cleaned out so much stuff that a feng shui master would blush, and now I am finally getting to the point of letting my house go.

I've learned so much about my emotional state during all of this:
how I tend to overlook the obvious and concentrate only on the so called "distraction" of a situation.
Yes, I am talking about relationships.

Funny how you hear something over and over and then one day, or one night, or one instant, it SINKS into your soul and you GET IT! You actually GET IT!

I'm too old to be repeating childhood patterns when it comes to relationships, but repeat childhood patterns I do.
But I have realized something very deeply: it doesn't have to go on the way it has been.
I do know there is no such thing as a perfect friendship, relationship, etc.
But I do also know (and now I know this to the bone) that there are always signs that we often choose to ignore.
For instance, if a "friend" is always talking about herself or himself, where does that leave you and your concerns?
Or, if a new person in your life shows the qualities of someone who has hurt you deeply before, GET THE HELL AWAY IMMEDIATELY!

Signs are signs and are always there. Now, I intend to read them for what they are.

She Trembles (a prophecy)

SHE TREMBLES

She trembles and the trees growl.
Catacombed mystery-lined innards
daring machinery to bite at her memories.
You shall be punished for this!

She trembles and the oceans roll
with wet-tasting morsels sweetened
with thick oily poisons.
Leave her be!

You've marked her eyes
torn her flesh, ate her intentions
and streaked her thighs.
It's not only too late - it's too demanding.

Scattering her memories once honored
now disgraced by progress.
Milking her breasts with pumps of steel
smearing her face with hardening make-up

building mounting erecting her belly
with toys she will someday destroy.
You silly foolish ones
who desire to capture the future in signs.

There is no future for you
save retribution and in-kind contributions
from those you represent.
She trembles and we all fall down.

MariJo Moore ©1997

From a poem by T. S. Eliot (East Coker)

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing;
wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing;
there is yet faith and the love and the hope
are all in the waiting.

Letting Go and Acceptance

It's been a while since I put up a new posting, but I have known what I needed to write about for weeks now.


Letting Go: When I think I am letting go of a situation, I find myself trying to make deals with Spirit.
For example: I will let go of my house and put it on the market for sale if you will see that this happens first... that I get to decide who buys the house and land..... etc.
This is just my way of stalling - of not trusting. How can I let go of something that was never mine to begin with? I have only been the caretaker of this house and land as a gift from Spirit. Now, it is time to move on.

Acceptance: When I finally stop putting conditions on my "letting go" and realize that whatever is coming for me is exactly what I need to continue on my spiritual path; when I stop whining and pleading and trying to figure out WHY AND WHY NOW ..... when I finally realize that I am being taken care of on a daily basis and that all my needs are met on a daily basis, then I know true acceptance of a situation.

Funny, isn't it - how we try and try to control others, to manipulate situations, to trick Spirit into giving us what we think we want. When all along all we have to do is surrender to the knowledge that our lives are intertwined with others - that we are just a bit of a major plan - that everyone has to be in his or her place for exact timing to become reality - then we can know complete (albeit fleeting) acceptance of our lives.

Letting go is a constant struggle.
Acceptance is a process.

New poem

Tree Split By Lightning

Fire quietly speaking
telling tales, memories and dreams yet to come:
Dried blood, laughing owls
shadowed faces, softening rocks.

Simultaneous deaths radiating new lives all inside this tree.
Inside ashen colored mystical galleries of trees
this tree, this fortunate, very fortunate tree
emits reasoning to all the world…



MariJo Moore © May 2, 2010

Rainy Tuesday

Remember that old song by the Moody Blues "Tuesday Afternoon"?
It keeps creeping into my mind today as I struggle to make sense of my life.
I remember how it used to be enough just to sit and listen to music and allow my mind to wander to old lovers, wonderful places and new ideas. Today, I need more.

I am a woman of words.. no doubt... but lately when speaking with a close friend my words seem to come out in a manner I didn't intend. They seem to come from a place of fear, indecision, regret.

I hate being vulnerable. I hate it.
I hate having to allow someone to see my weakness, my pain, my fears.

But I know this is where I am now and obviously where I need to be: melting into softness.

I close today's ramblings with the following quote from Rumi, a Sufi poet who lived hundreds of years ago and whose words still bring comfort to me today:

"Those who love words must use them to get to God.
Words flirt. They tease and imitate and come close, but they are not the experience they point to.
Silence, friendship, and perhaps music, live nearer the reality."

Forgiveness

Today I am thinking of forgiveness.

I am thinking of the reading I did for a woman in VA yesterday. Of how her son, who had been murdered, came through and wanted her to tell everyone to forgive the murderer.
I am thinking of how my daddy's spirit came to me Sunday while I was holding one granddaughter in my lap and watching the other being baptized.
How he came and said just three words, "Please forgive me."
He never said anything of that sort in his life. I think now his spirit is healing. And how I answered him, "I'm trying."
Thinking of how I need to write an essay on forgiveness.
How when we don't forgive others, it eats away at our serenity; how it holds us back from truly enjoying life.

I also want to share a conversation that I had this morning with a good friend of mine on this very subject:

He: I know that for me I have to find peace with myself before I could ever think about forgiving someone.
Me: What do you mean you have to find peace with yourself before you could ever forgive someone?
He: Well, it’s a matter of forgiving myself first and then when I do forgive someone it’s done and over, not to be talked of again or used, like to throw it in someone's face during an argument or something of that nature. Forgiving is forgetting, just letting it go.
Me: But why do you have to forgive yourself first if someone hurts you or lies to you, etc. What is your part in it?
He: I know that may sound kinda weird but I am just that way in some cases. I realize that I may have done nothing wrong but it’s just me.
Me: Are you forgiving yourself for holding a grudge, for feeling anger, for having expectations?
He: Yes, maybe all of that, and then I try and think of the way they may feel and the fact that sometimes it’s hard to ask for forgiveness. And I try to understand that.

Smart friend, eh? Really makes me rethink forgiveness.