Rainy Tuesday

Remember that old song by the Moody Blues "Tuesday Afternoon"?
It keeps creeping into my mind today as I struggle to make sense of my life.
I remember how it used to be enough just to sit and listen to music and allow my mind to wander to old lovers, wonderful places and new ideas. Today, I need more.

I am a woman of words.. no doubt... but lately when speaking with a close friend my words seem to come out in a manner I didn't intend. They seem to come from a place of fear, indecision, regret.

I hate being vulnerable. I hate it.
I hate having to allow someone to see my weakness, my pain, my fears.

But I know this is where I am now and obviously where I need to be: melting into softness.

I close today's ramblings with the following quote from Rumi, a Sufi poet who lived hundreds of years ago and whose words still bring comfort to me today:

"Those who love words must use them to get to God.
Words flirt. They tease and imitate and come close, but they are not the experience they point to.
Silence, friendship, and perhaps music, live nearer the reality."

Forgiveness

Today I am thinking of forgiveness.

I am thinking of the reading I did for a woman in VA yesterday. Of how her son, who had been murdered, came through and wanted her to tell everyone to forgive the murderer.
I am thinking of how my daddy's spirit came to me Sunday while I was holding one granddaughter in my lap and watching the other being baptized.
How he came and said just three words, "Please forgive me."
He never said anything of that sort in his life. I think now his spirit is healing. And how I answered him, "I'm trying."
Thinking of how I need to write an essay on forgiveness.
How when we don't forgive others, it eats away at our serenity; how it holds us back from truly enjoying life.

I also want to share a conversation that I had this morning with a good friend of mine on this very subject:

He: I know that for me I have to find peace with myself before I could ever think about forgiving someone.
Me: What do you mean you have to find peace with yourself before you could ever forgive someone?
He: Well, it’s a matter of forgiving myself first and then when I do forgive someone it’s done and over, not to be talked of again or used, like to throw it in someone's face during an argument or something of that nature. Forgiving is forgetting, just letting it go.
Me: But why do you have to forgive yourself first if someone hurts you or lies to you, etc. What is your part in it?
He: I know that may sound kinda weird but I am just that way in some cases. I realize that I may have done nothing wrong but it’s just me.
Me: Are you forgiving yourself for holding a grudge, for feeling anger, for having expectations?
He: Yes, maybe all of that, and then I try and think of the way they may feel and the fact that sometimes it’s hard to ask for forgiveness. And I try to understand that.

Smart friend, eh? Really makes me rethink forgiveness.

Yesterday

was a day of love, beauty, fun and gratefulness for me.
I attended church with my son and his family. They go to Biltmore Baptist Church and have been inviting me to go for weeks. Well, being the so called hedonist pagan Indian that I am, of course I chose to go on Easter. Isn't that when everyone goes?
Anyway, I must admit I was pleased with the visit. The pastor is young and vibrant and intent upon sharing God not religion. I can see why my son is drawn there.
As I sat next to him, I could feel that he had been wanting me to visit this service with him not to try and get me "saved" but to allow me to see what he has found: a deeper imprint on his path.
I felt his love for me and I felt his love for his family. I even sang Amazing Grace with the congregration.

Afterwards we ate lunch with my daughter-in-law's family and then partipated in the annual Easter Egg Hunt.

I felt happy; I felt loved; I felt accepted.

The three things that matter most to me in this life.

I love being a mother. I love being a Nana. I love my family.